CW: Mental Illness
Sometimes, stories are so difficult to hear because they show a painful reality about living with disabilities or getting mental health care. When it comes to children, parents are often told to push harder, make more calls, challenge denials, and never quit. But what happens when they do all of that and still can’t get their child the help they need?
In Peoria, Illinois, the Goodwin family shared their struggle to find the right care for their son, Connor, who lives with autism. In 2023, he had been experiencing more episodes of self-injurious behavior. The family was encouraged to give up custody of Connor.
Their story struck a chord because it showed a reality many families know well. Even with love, commitment, and constant advocacy, it’s not always possible to close the gap between what a child needs and what the system can or will provide.
People often think that when a child is in crisis, services will be available. But families often face years on waiting lists, insurance rejections, a shortage of providers, and programs that aren’t equipped for complicated needs. Parents can spend years searching for help, only to find that the care their child requires is out there but out of reach because of location, money, or bureaucracy.
For some families, this means leaving everything behind. They move to different states because a specialized residential program, behavioral therapy, or psychiatric facility is available elsewhere. They quit jobs and leave behind relatives, schools, and their support systems to find treatment. They uproot their lives because staying put means watching their child continue to suffer.
For others, even moving isn’t enough. When Toni and Jim Hoy adopted their son, Daniel, from the foster care system, he was a loving toddler. They expected difficulties, but they never thought those difficulties would lead them to consider giving up their custody of him and making him a ward of the state.
As Daniel got older, signs of mental illness appeared. His violent outbursts became more frequent, leading to hospital stays. Doctors eventually determined he needed intensive residential treatment that cost over $100,000 a year. The family had private insurance through Jim’s job. Daniel also qualified for Medicaid because of his adoption. However, neither would cover the treatment the doctors said he needed.
With few options left, the Hoys gave up custody so Daniel could re-enter the child welfare system and access services. Years later, Jim still describes telling his 12-year-old son they were legally giving him up as the most heart-wrenching moment of his life. He cried while talking to him. It wasn’t because he wanted to give up his child, but because he felt it was the only way left to keep Daniel safe and get him treatment.
These stories are often framed as personal tragedies, but they are also policy failures. These are not families walking away from their children. They attended appointments, sat in emergency rooms, challenged insurance denials, coordinated care, and searched for resources. They arrived at these decisions only after every other door seemed to close.
No mother should have to surrender custody because she cannot find treatment for a child in crisis. No father should have to tell his son that the only way to get care is to become a ward of the state. The question is not why these parents made such heartbreaking decisions. The real question is why they were forced to make them at all.
Sources:
Herman, Christine. “To Get Mental Health Help for a Child, Desperate Parents Relinquish Custody.” NPR, 2 Jan. 2019, https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/01/02/673765794/to-get-mental-health-help-for-a-child-desperate-parents-relinquish-custody.
Ramm, Michaela. “Parents Give Up Custody of Children to Get Mental Health Help.” USA Today, 21 Apr. 2025, https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2025/04/21/parents-give-up-custody-child-mental-health-help/83179840007/.
Seils, Lizzie. “Family Faced with Impossible Choice in Helping 10-Year-Old with Autism, Self-Harming.” 25 News Now, 26 Apr. 2023, .https://www.25newsnow.com/2023/04/27/family-faced-with-impossible-choice-helping-10-year-old-with-autism-self-harming/