CW: Death
November is a month that is typically associated with gratitude. Thanksgiving is when people get together with friends and family to reflect on what they have to be thankful for. It is about more than football and turkey.
This year, I’ve felt adrift. My grandmother was placed on hospice in May, following a broken hip. The past six months have been an emotional rollercoaster. I wish I could trade places with her.
And then, a loss. My longtime paraprofessional passed away in September after her fight with breast cancer. She had been in my life since preschool. She was more than a paraprofessional. She was a constant presence, a steady voice, and a comfort. I do not remember a time when she was not in my life.
It is hard to be grateful this year. I know I am supposed to be reflecting on gratitude, especially this month, but it is hard when the sorrow still overwhelms me at times. I’ve been trying to search for meaning in the memories, but some days it is simply too much.
And still, I have seen grief and gratitude coexist. I am thankful for the time I have had with my grandmother, for her steadfast support and her strength. I am thankful for the time I had with my paraprofessional, and for how she made me feel seen and safe. Gratitude does not take away the pain. It gives form to it. It reminds me that love was present, and in many ways, still is.
This month, I am making room for all of it; the sadness, the confusion, and the moments of peace. Maybe that is what gratitude is: reflecting on the people who helped shape me into the person I am, and being grateful for their love and the lessons they have taught me.