CW: Death
December is a bittersweet month for me. Monday marks 13 years since my grandmother passed away. I have been blessed to have two wonderful grandmothers. Growing up, I always enjoyed spending time with both of them.
One of my favorite memories is from when I was about eight years old. As someone who grew up in Massachusetts, I have been a Boston Red Sox fan as far back as I can remember. I was a member of the Kid Nation program for years.
I showed my grandmother my collectible lunchbox and membership card. She joked that she would call Theo Epstein (the GM at the time) and ask him to start a grandparent’s nation. She had a wonderful sense of humor and a deep love of family.
My grandmother loved all of us dearly. She had many grandchildren. However, she made sure we all knew that we were loved. Having a grandmother like her is a blessing.
In the years since her passing, the holidays have never been the same. Family is a big part of the holidays. There will always be an empty chair at the table.
This year has been challenging. Following a breast cancer diagnosis, my longtime paraprofessional passed away in September. She loved Christmas and it felt surreal not hearing from her.
On Christmas Eve, I was given gifts that she had picked out for me before her death. One of which was a Celtic necklace containing some of her ashes. I can usually find the right words to describe how I’m feeling, but I was left speechless.
She was so special to me, and I miss her dearly. To have gifts from her is priceless. She was thoughtful until the very end.
I wish heaven had visiting hours. There are so many people I’d like to see again. I would hug my grandmother. I would make sure she knows that her family is doing well. She now has several great-grandchildren whom I know she would have adored.
I’d like to meet my grandfather. I never met him but I imagine he’d be proud of his family and who we’ve all become. He never had the chance to meet any of his grandchildren but I know he’d love all of us dearly.
I’d love to see my paraprofessional again and spend hours talking to her. I miss her. Her presence was a comfort and a reminder that I was never alone.
We’d often go months without seeing each other when I grew up. However, it felt like no time had gone by when I’d see her. She never forgot about me, and I never forgot about her.
I’d also want to see my great-uncle, Craig. He passed away in 2020. Due to the pandemic, we were never able to have a memorial service for him. My great aunt Kathy still carries the love he had for me. I feel it in her messages, birthday cards, and Christmas gifts.
I’d want to see my cousin Maryann. I have many fond memories of her making me laugh. She loved to tease me because I am a Boston Red Sox fan.
If heaven had visiting hours, I know exactly who I would visit. Grief has a way of reminding me of just how much I was loved, even in the midst of the pain. Their loss leaves heartbreak in its wake, because their love was real, and it still is.
I’ve lost many people but their love has not wavered. It appears in memories, in traditions, in small signs that catch my attention. It shows up in a piece of jewelry, a joke, or a greeting card.
While they are not here to visit, they are here to be honored. I carry their love, lessons, and legacy with me. I miss them all dearly and hope they know that they will never be forgotten.